Stop Being Right… And Start Being Happy!

We’ve all heard this. “If you want to be happy you must stop being right.” Some of us cringe just hearing the phrase. Understandably. Because – how do you do it? How do you stop being right when your entire being screams you are?
Let me tell you a story.

It happened to my friend whom I’ll call Annie. Recently, I ran into her at Peet’s Coffee and noticed how radiant she looked.

“Remember we talked about letting go of our need to be right?” she asked. Of course I remember. I have written an entire book about it. Stop trying to have the last word. Stop trying to prove your point. Let go of needing to be understood. Become understanding instead. And – keep your relationship instead of destroying it one fight at a time.

“Whenever you are wrong, admit it, whenever you are right – shut up”.
I love this quote by Ogden Nash. Can’t say that I always live by it yet. Sometimes it is really difficult to keep my mouth shut. This would be the time my husband might suggest something like “You should read your own book.” Not the best time to tell me this. But, you teach what you need to learn (they say).

Annie’s story

“I had an amazing experience,” Annie told me sipping her coffee. “I was at Jack’s place and he showed me something that was very important to him. And I immediately criticized him. I just began to correct him on everything. And I hurt his feelings. I saw that right away because he became very quiet and withdrew.
“Normally I would not have backed off. I would have continued to push, because I was sure I was only being helpful. But I stopped. I remembered our conversation about giving up the need to be right and I did something I had never done before in my life. I said ‘I need to take some time alone.’

Then I sat on his sofa with my eyes closed for 20 minutes. I made myself relax and saw how inappropriate I was. How judgmental and hurtful. I didn’t like what I saw. I tried not to judge myself. I felt remorse. Then I opened my eyes and apologized to Jack.”

“What did he say?” I asked.

“He began to cry. He said it was the very first time in his life that a woman apologized to him and admitted that she had been wrong.  And, as he was wiping his tears he was thanking me. This was when I started crying myself. My heart just opened.

After that we simply sat there for a long time holding each other’s hands. I don’t remember ever being so vulnerable before. It felt good not to be right.”

“He had a huge healing of the heart, didn’t he?”

“He did. And I did too. We have gotten much closer after that.”

Lit from within

Driving home, touched by the beautiful divine choreography of Annie’s story.
No wonder she looked different. There was no usual hardness in her face. “Good for her,” I thought. It took real guts not to do what she had always done in the past. Instead, Annie took a pause, which was brilliant, because it allowed her to calm down and see herself from a distance. She admitted the truth and apologized. As a result – she was able to give Jack an enormous gift. And he had his own healing.

Take a deep breath

It is hard to have our best judgment in the heat of the moment. That’s pausing for a moment can make an enormous difference – to cool down so being right becomes less important than the feelings of another person.

We human beings are not perfect and making mistakes is part of what makes us human. It’s not the mistakes, but what we do with them that matters. Because nothing is a failure if we learn from it. It is very hard to learn anything at all if we are blinded by our need to be right.

But what if I truly am right?

Here is what I have learned through my own failings: Even if you are (though things are hardly ever either black or white) what does it matter?

The real priority is about getting closer, not about winning the argument one more time. The real priority is about being kind. The real priority is always – about the love.